Nation Collapses as 326,374,365 People Simultaneously Pursue American Dream

Washington D.C. — Inspired by U.S. President Donald Trump and others that say “I alone can do this”, the country formally known as the United States of America (which will be producing its next album with symbol sign, in the color scheme of the flag) collapsed economically, politically, and socially as 326,374,365 people decided to join…

Daniel Day-Lewis Caps Brilliant Career as DNC Plant Roy Moore

Legendary multi-Academy Award winner Daniel Day-Lewis capped his brilliant acting career last week in his role as Judge Roy Moore. Contracted earlier this year to impersonate a cartoonish villain that would find a way to go too far even for GOP voters, Lewis pulled it off in the 11th hour, giving Democratic candidate Doug Jones…

Local Man Who Pulled Out Has No Intention of Accepting the Consequences

Washington, D.C. — Earlier today a Local Man took absolutely zero precautions, nor will take any responsibility for the resulting developments after “pulling out.” Instead he refocused attention later on by commenting on the substantial growth that will occur by pulling out. “Tremendous, tremendous progress, we’re growing so hard, and we’re going to grow even harder after…

Conversations from the Ghost of America’s Future Past

It’s nine o’clock on a Wednesday night, #HipsterJesus walks into a Brooklyn coffee shop that also serves alcohol at night (because of course they do) and in the corner the camera pans to Carson Starkey and Troy Olson. Carson is nursing a bourbon, and Troy, who had not drank alcohol in eight months, is drinking a Brooklyn…

Young Paul Ryan Biopic Scheduled for Release in 2018

Long before “serious person” Paul Ryan was Speaker of the House of Representatives and tasked with implementing the domestic agenda of the Trump administration, and long before he became a perpetual college sophomore really into Ayn Rand, he received an early education in philosophy, sociology, politics, economics, and especially martial arts at the “Cobra Kai” dojo….

Purely Satirical Country Announced as Finalist for 2017 Mark Twain Prize

New York, NY — Hoping to join the ranks of Richard Pryor, Tina Fey, George Carlin, and other luminaries and icons of comedy, America, under the title of “Murca” has enjoyed near-universal praise from humor and literary critics for its commitment to the unique brand of satire that has allowed brilliant deadpans such as Steve…

AP Mass Shooting Template Accidentally Published

Washington D.C. — At approximately noon today, an Associated Press journalist accidentally published the mass shooting in the United States template he had been working from for the past six years of his employment. Below is the text of that template. ********** In what has seemingly become a daily occurrence in the United States, the latest…

DOD Negotiators Learn That You Can Counteroffer

Washington D.C. — In a stunning discovery earlier this week, Department of Defense officials have learned from their chief negotiators in military contractor agreements that the DOD can in-fact, counteroffer the contractors’s original price demands. This revelation could potentially save U.S. taxpayers 1 trillion dollars over the next ten years. For years, the public has been…