Heroic Lobbyists of the Congress – NAFTA War of 2017 to join other War Vets this Veterans’ Day

Screen Shot 2017-10-24 at 10.45.49 PMWashington D.C. —

This November 11th, “very serious people” who just know a lot about economics that you don’t understand, will be joining veterans of American wars past, present and forever, in parades across the country, as well as using their time in Washington defending the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), a deeply complex multi-lateral trade agreement understood by five people, to lobby Congress for certified veteran status.

“I feel like we deserve America’s gratitude and thanks for our service in lobbying with our Army to protect this legislation”, said Michael Wellington, an MBA grad from Yale whose hair has not moved since his junior year at Choate.

“It’s high time brilliant patriotic organizations like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce have the social capital and honor that the general public pretends to bestow upon veterans , and I myself have sacrificed my 2nd vacation with my family this year in defense of what is probably the greatest trade agreement, piece of legislation, or political act is world history, NAFTA is the dream that Hyman Roth wanted for Cuba in the Godfather before undesirables forced their agenda upon the masses”, added Wellington, praising NAFTA, which was signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1993.

NAFTA has a storied legacy of adding tremendous profits to corporations and rich people that has taken the U.S. economy to record heights according to the Chamber. “The stock market is at record highs and has gone to places we could have only imagined back in 1993”, explained Chamber spokesperson Jonathan Hunter. When pressed for comment about the lack of tangible connections most Americans feel to stock prices and the Gilded Age-levels of economic inequality people are facing, Hunter retorted “look at the Dow Jones Industrial, look at the Nasdaq, look at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and finally — why are you communist who hates America?”

Before deploying a squad of the vaunted “NAFTA Army” on an AL.com correspondent earlier today Hunter was last heard yelling that the link between effort and reward is perfect, that the common people just needed to believe in the magic more, consume more products in order to achieve happiness, and most importantly, they just need to be born as Jonathan Hunter, Michael Wellington, and other similar people and they’ll do just fine. 

Under-35 Year Old Really Makes an Impact at Local Senate District Meeting

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Micah Johnson, seen above, has a Masters in Education and an undergraduate degree in Political Science, with a minor in history. Johnson has amassed over 400 hours of campaign volunteering over the past few cycles in the 3 different Senate Districts he has lived in.

Eagleview Heights, MN — A local DFL Senate District unit was blown away when an under-35 year old showed up to their monthly scheduled central committee meeting, which are at the Park Grove Library on the 3rd Wednesday of the month. Micah Johnson, an under-35 year old who has been looking to get more involved walked into room 110 of the library and blew Senate District Chair Jim Salverson, and treasurer Vicki Janz, out of the water with his knowledge of how to navigate the vote building mystery of a machine known as the VAN, in political circles. For each cycle since modern campaigns began, how to operate and work the VAN has vexed perennial candidate Salverson, whose candidacy this year against Republican incumbent Rich Vandemeir, has seen a boost.

“In past years we were on all-paper, we have kept a very diligent file, but we could never figure out how to get it into the VAN, that thing is so confusing. It makes you change your password every time you log in it seems”, explained Salverson, who after the meeting gave Micah four campaign cycles worth of direct voter contact data with an embarrassed look on his face. “It should take me about 2 hours this weekend”, explained Micah, “they really haven’t door-knocked that much and the election results being in line with the PPI (Partisan Performance Index) make sense.”

“We’re hoping that Micah’s involvement will bring more young people into being involved”, expounded Janz, who overseas a Senate District account of $6,319.17. “I mean when you think about it, they really are the future.”