Conversations with the Ghost of America’s Future Past

by Carson Starkey and Troy M. Olson

America's Future Past

On a quiet park bench on Central Park West, merely hours after a 2018 GOP strategy conference on how to win back the White House got over, which Carson Starkey and Troy Olson, had just got done attending under the guise of being correspondents. The mood is somber. Not unlike this scene:

Carson

That was profoundly awkward, watching the Republican Party elites trying to win back white working class conservative and populist voters, after thoroughly sabotaging and trashing them during the 2016 “respectable conservative” plot to cheat.

Troy

We really missed the boat when we failed to cash-in on that verbiage via a book deal. “Exposed! The Respectable Conservative Plot to Cheat” by Carson Starkey, J.D.

Carson

Senate Majority Leader Tom Cotton (Gin) is going to relish his future role as Vice Presidential candidate. Julian Castro and Cory Booker are going to have tough sells on the Atlantic coast. Virginia and North Carolina might not remember that they voted for an unlikely candidate only a decade ago. Different times…

Troy

You speak of course of the upcoming ’24 and ’28 elections, they will not be pretty. It’s of course a foregone conclusion that 2020 will be both a blood path that was avoidable and a missed opportunity during a redistricting election. As the person who penned the “Case for Losing” back in early 2016, to the incredible enragement of many on the left, I take no pleasure in having been right. This was avoidable. It always has been. Nice things could be possible and would create nicer people.

Carson

I’ll be sad to see Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, SNPA, and the EPA disappear. But such are the misfortunate that follow a $12 trillion tax cut. Sure, the Iran War will be awful, but privatizing the VA will only add insults to actual injuries. I hope that Treasury Secretary Willard Romney has a plan to deal with the resulting 15 percent unemployment. The human misery will be severe.

Troy

Right. This would all be easier to swallow on our end if so-called “enlightened establishment” did not consistently tell Millennials we are all still too young to be Congressional candidates.

Carson

Now, now…the leadership will pick the right people. They know how to build majorities that last two to four years. So we’ll just accomplish everything that we want during any window where we have the majority.

Troy

Then blame losses on the only relatively popular member of the party (former President Obama).

Carson

Because pragmatism…or something. I’m not really sure about the specific strategy, you’ll have to ask Chuck Schumer and Dick Durbin.

Troy

A strategy of protecting economic gains made fifty to sixty years ago is not exactly inspiring.

Carson

That’s just your unrealistic opinion in their eyes, they won’t return your phone calls because they’re fundraising with Jamie Dimon. So I suppose we can talk about what…. a minimum wage hike? Or is that already on the agenda? At the very least… let’s talk privatizing public schools. That has to be a popular idea with our voting base, at least that’s what they will presume.

Troy

This is too depressing. Let’s end by talking C-PAC and how profoundly awkward the atmosphere was in there. Did every working class Joe and Jane just conveniently forget about the fact that the GOP establishment called them a bunch of “slack jawed yokels” two years ago during the Trump fiasco?

Carson

Now to be fair… Jane and Joe have bigger problems than crushing poverty, stagnant wages, and drug (presumably meth) addiction. You’re not giving fair consideration to gay people getting married or the existence of the “hippity hop” music. Ask Ben Carson, he’ll tell you why both are causes for concern.

Troy

Sigh… By the way, we switched the metaphor to Joe because John died working the job because social security retirement is now 68 years old.

Carson

Well obviously. And thank God that his company replaced him with a teenager from Vietnam who’s working for 70 cents a day. The power of the free market.

Troy

But pay day loan company executives who enthusiastically supported Hillary in ’16 said people are living longer now… or something. Yeah, tell that to John’s kids.

Carson

At least you can get a slice of pizza for a dollar.

***Carson and Troy walk in to one of New York City’s fine pizza establishments***  

Troy

God bless New York City.

Carson

Amen.

What you just read may scare you, I know it scares me.

However, there is still something we can collectively do about it.

We can change the future…. if we try.

Angry Doctor Huxtable Departs, Vows to Defraud Clueless White People with Renewed Vigor

by Carson Starkey

Doctor Ben Carson announced that he is suspending his campaign on Friday, March 4th. All twelve of his actual voting supporters are disappointed but willing to compromise, promising to shift their support to Clarence Thomas or Bill Cosby. Upon learning that Clarence Thomas and Bill Cosby are not campaigning to become president, those same supporters are proposing to consult Megyn Kelly for further guidance. Before you become overly concerned about voters or their collectively tenuous grasp on electoral politics, consider the silver lining in the wake of Angry Doctor Huxtable’s departure from the campaign trail. While voters have lost a deeply confusing, frequently somnolent candidate, they have also gained a tremendously talented Fox News commentator. I’m excited about the inevitable prime time show, “Ben Carson and Herman Cain Shout Insults at House Plants and Passing Cars.” Of far greater importance, at least in direct economic/financial terms, is the fact that political consultants will now have increased access to a mammoth cash machine for their perpetual grifting operations, although they’ll be the first to admit that Ben Carson has already enriched them on an astronomical scale.

When I say that Ben Carson has been good for the political consulting business, I mean that he spent fifty-eight million dollars in nine months (and secured a microscopic number of votes), more than any other Republican candidate in the 2016 presidential race, according to the Associated Press (“Carson Spent Heavily on Consultants, Lightly on Campaigning,” March 4, 2016). Allow me to clarify the specifics of Ben Carson’s sprawling white collar criminal endeavor. He spent approximately seven hundred thousand dollars on direct payroll expenses (ostensibly the employees that run a political campaign-spokespeople, data managers, local door knockers, state campaign managers) and six hundred thousand dollars on total advertising. Fifty-eight million minus one million three hundred thousand is fifty-six million seven hundred thousand. To paraphrase De Niro’s immortal hustler Sam “Ace” Rothstein, what in the holy f%*king hell happened to the rest of the money Ginger?!!!

If I can slander my own experience, that last paragraph underestimates your pre-existing knowledge of American conservatism and its predilections for naked, cartoonish theft. Feel free to consult, if you haven’t already, stellar authors like Rick Perlstein, Jonathan Chait, or Michael Tomasky as to the guiding purpose of most conservative causes or campaigns. Among the knowledgeable operatives of the Republican Party, Fox News, The Wall Street Journal, CNBC, and AM talk radio, everyone accepts the fact that separating clueless rubes from their money with an endless array of sophisticated scams must always be the pursuit of utmost importance. Winning elections, implementing public policies, or disseminating hurtful claims about the Clinton family are all icing on the metaphorical cake of political discourse.

If you don’t believe the previous claim, peruse the advertisements of National Review. Attend CPAC. Watch Fox News or CNBC for five minutes. Of course you’re supposed to whip yourself into a frenzy about the existence of mathematics, black women living in Chicago, or Sarah Silverman’s contempt for family values. Not the point good citizens. What matters is how you respond to your blistering outrage. If you want to stick it to the liberals who are destroying America, don’t sit idle. I mean stay seated, and continue to watch Bill O’Reilly, sweet Lord, of course you’re supposed to do that. But during commercials, strike back at godless hippies by exercising your power as consumers and purchase Mark Levin’s/Ann Coulter’s/Ted Nugent’s/Mike Huckabee’s/Sean Hannity’s books/gold products/canned foods/firearms/ammunition/tickets to see Laura Ingraham speak/Ben Carson’s latest investigative journalism that reveal global warming to be a hoax.

It all seems kind of obvious now, right? For decades, you’ve suspected that most, if not all, Republican candidates, talk radio/cable news commentators, and conservative thought leaders are engaged in elaborate, high brow satire. That has to be the real story, because nobody is foolish or crazy enough to believe that endless wars, welfare checks for millionaires, and racial segregation make sense or improve quality of life for most Americans. Obviously conservatism is just a colossal pyramid scheme designed to fleece vulnerable people. Think about how relieved you are at this moment, knowing that conservatism is so profoundly unserious about its stated aims. Now think about how relieved Angry Doctor Huxtable is to be done with campaigning and finally moving on to the Promised Land of massive, Heritage Foundation/American Enterprise Institute/Tea Party Express-subsidized pay days. He’s living proof that anybody can succeed in this great society of ours, as long as s/he is willing to spout incomprehensible nonsense for months at a time.

All hail The Grift Machine.

Super Tuesday Predictions

by Troy M. Olson

SuperTues

On the eve of Super Tuesday, I thought I’d just lay it on the line and briefly mention how I think things will go. Unlike the first four states for both parties, I don’t expect my track record to continue but here goes nothing.

Late last year I said Hillary would win Iowa (and eventually, the nomination, and become the 45th President of the United States), Bernie would win NH, Cruz would win Iowa on the Republican side, and Trump would rebound with a win in NH.

In discussions with “Agreeing Loudly” contributor Pat Meacham, I was pressed to say if Bernie would win Nevada or not. I struggled with this state a lot, but eventually went with Hillary.

For Bernie supporters out there that may be upset with how pessimistic I am on his chances, I’m sorry. Just being honest here. He needed to win Iowa and Nevada to have a chance on Super Tuesday. He needed true momentum that stretched beyond the most friendly demographic states for him. Three straight wins off the bat would have kept the margins down in South Carolina. If those things happened then we’d have a contest.

Bernie has the correct diagnosis for what ails the body politic, but he is not the right vessel for this message. And certainly not the right vessel to implement it. He is like Barry Goldwater for the Republican Party in 1964, influential and ahead of his time. Sixteen years later the conservative wing of the GOP got their winning candidate, Ronald Reagan. Hopefully it does not take the more egalitarian factions of the Democratic Party sixteen years to find their winning candidate, but I fear it will.

On the Republican side, despite what delusional (once and future President) Marco Rubio might tell you, we do not have a contest anymore. Even members of the GOP establishment and conservative wing of the party are beginning to come around to Trump’s candidacy, making clear their endorsement of some version of white supremacy to anyone who wasn’t convinced of it before.

The GOP establishment hesitation had nothing to do with him saying racist, sexist, and other crazy thing. Rather, their reluctance to embrace him early on had more to do with Trump being too “moderate” on the continued existence of social insurance programs in their present form and other issues such as his criticism of free trade deals. To the extent Trump can be pinned down to a political philosophy or ideology at all, he resembles George Wallace a lot more than George W. Bush.

For Rubio to have any chance he needs to win his home state of Florida and gather momentum heading into the “Winner-Take-All” GOP primaries. This is unlikely to happen. Cruz is likely to win his home state of Texas but for him to have any chance he needs to start winning SEC primary states. He needed to win South Carolina to be viable. On Tuesday, he needs to win Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Tennessee. I would be surprised if he won more than one of those states.

It’s over. To what extent it is over, and when we can begin to shift the conversation to Clinton vs. Trump and the potential electoral map is a story for the voters in the Super Tuesday states to tell.

Tuesday predictions are broken down into three tiers, a landslide, winning easily, and winning narrowly. 

Landslide (20 or more percent)

Easily (between 5 and 20 percent)

Narrowly (between 0 and 5 percent)

Democratic Primary

Alabama – Clinton by a landslide

American Samoa – Clinton by a landslide

Arkansas – Clinton by a landslide

Colorado – Sanders narrowly

Georgia – Clinton by a landslide

Massachusetts – Clinton narrowly

Minnesota – Clinton narrowly

Oklahoma – Clinton narrowly

Tennessee – Clinton by a landslide

Texas – Clinton easily

Vermont – Sanders by a landslide

Virginia – Clinton easily

Republican Primary

Alabama – Trump easily

Alaska –  Trump easily

Arkansas – Trump easily

Colorado – Trump narrowly

Massachusetts – Trump by a landslide

Minnesota – Rubio narrowly

Oklahoma – Trump narrowly

Tennessee – Trump easily

Texas – Cruz easily

Vermont – Trump easily

Virginia – Trump easily

Wyoming – Trump easily

 

Live Tweets from Carson Starkey #TrumpIsTheNominee Edition

Unapologetically, by Carson Starkey 

Old Man Yells at Cloud

Watching a Republican debate is more depressing at Midway Airport. Brief summary…all of the candidates proudly support the 19th century.

Angry Dr. Huxtable, why are you on this stage, and can you locate Canada on a map? ‪#‎DrCarsonLooksConfused‬

Mr. Trump, how do you respond to the charge that you’re the least offensive of the GOP candidates? ‪#‎UncomfortableTruth‬

The entire debate this far has focused on why Republicans need to spit on people who speak Spanish.

Switching gears to the Supreme Court, will all of the candidates pledge to nominate Sean Hannity?

This is for all of the candidates. What should be the criminal sentence for a woman wearing pants without a man’s permission?

Yeah, good stuff CNN. Let’s focus on the importance of hating nonwhite people and nominating Scalia’s corpse. But Trump is ridiculous.

Wolf Blitzer puts the stupid in stupid questions.

Would Republican candidates explain why $6-10 trillion tax cuts or a war with Iran are good ideas? Are we not talking about that tonight?

If stupidity were a crime, Wolf Blitzer would be serving ten consecutive life sentences.

That was a magnificent exchange between Trump and Rubio…had the grace and sophistication of two fat kids headhunting in dodgeball.

Governor Kasich, please respond with meaningless jargon and a non-fact about health insurance.

Angry Dr. Huxtable, do you know where you are? Follow up, is Cuba Gooding Jr. more qualified to play you as a presidential candidate?

Yes, let’s talk taxes. This should provide a venue for thoughtful, intelligent answers.

Marco Rubio is excited about the opportunity to explain his tax plan…and lose the Florida primary to Donald Trump.

Cruz launches the “Trump is a liberal” attack for the millionth time. Just as effective as the first time.

Rubio and Cruz have demonstrated impressive mastery of Federalist Society/Heritage Foundation scripts. ‪#‎ActualVotersDontCare‬


Editorial note
: Do yourself a favor, be a patriot, and follow Carson Starkey on Twitter @carsonstarkey1 where you can join in him on his search for #PeakSatire and the ever-elusive “Real America.”

Live Tweets from Carson Starkey (#GOPDebate edition)

The following Live Tweets are written by Carson Starkey (Combat Veteran and J.D. Candidate, 2016).

The italicized intro to the real (future) Dr. Carson has been the pleasure of Troy M. Olson (Army Veteran and J.D., 2014).

Out of respect for those who love freedom and Bruce Springsteen, the tweets appear exactly as they were written.

“Black women in Chicago will kill your children.” Marco Rubio lays out his domestic vision. Prediction for the ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

The ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ starts now. ‪#‎ReleaseTheBigotry‬ https://t.co/qG4e2NPOue

Lots of different white people in the ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ audience tonight. ‪#‎ConservativeDiversity‬

What’s an “Ayla Brown”? Had to Google it, and got redirected to a pile of mashed potatoes. ‪#‎TalentlessWhitePeople‬

Rand Paul proposes radical proposal of not invading countries filled with Muslims. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

John Kaisch gives a powerful opening statement that appeals to all 4 of his supporters. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Chris Christie wants to fight terrorism…as long as doing so entails a sizable snack budget. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Carly Fiorina has been told “no” all of her life…specifically by voters in California. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Jeb Bush vows to defend freedom with the help of Super PACs. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Marco Rubio is an eloquent voice for the early 19th century. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Ted Cruz speaks gibberish to power. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Angry Dr. Huxtable falls asleep at podium, calls it a “strategic foreign policy move.” ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Donald Trump offers unqualified praise for Donald Trump’s policies. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Finally, a candidate has the courage to attack a powerful, entrenched majority like Muslims and immigrants. ‪#‎gopdebate‬

Jeb Bush throws it back to 2002 by proposing an invasion of Iraq and Syria, calls Donald Trump “unserious.” ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ ‪#‎TheBarIsLow‬

Marco Rubio delivers powerful monologue/non-answer in order to deflect attention from conservative voters’ bigotry. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Consider…Hugh Hewitt is held up as “intellectual” among conservatives. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ ‪#‎BizarroUniverse‬

Carly Fiorina has a vision for America that includes stories about Carly Fiorina. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Carly Fiorina claims employment with NSA, along with video of abortions performed by Hillary Clinton. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

INTERMISSION: Comment From a Facebook user: “Carson Starkey is literally my entire newsfeed.”

Chris Christie has strong opinions about terrorism and Hillary Clinton being evil. Consumes entire cheesecake post-answer. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

John Kaisch offers bold, original vision for a military invasion of Middle Eastern countries and massive surveillance state. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Ted Cruz is forced to fend off characterization as a liberal. ‪#‎Confusing‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Why are the book burners attacking Ted Cruz as a lefty? Because he’s not in favor of a larger surveillance state? ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Rand Paul accuses Marco Rubio of open border enthusiasm and amnesty. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Marco Rubio fends off attack from Rand Paul, universe implodes from absurdity supernova. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Chris Christie says Americans don’t care about Senate legislation, fails to mention that nobody cares about his campaign. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Angry Dr. Huxtable demands that Americans reject political correctness, endorses “war footing.” ‪#‎Sigh‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Carly Fiorina identifies a larger surveillance state to make government more effective. ‪#‎CognitiveDissonance‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio have legitimate points. America hasn’t been serious about fighting wars in the Middle East. Um… ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Trump remembers his purpose for campaigning-bullying Jeb Bush. ‪#‎Hilarious‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Jeb Bush reminds voters that he’s serious…by arguing with intellectual heavyweight Donald Trump. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Angry Dr. Huxtable is still not competent on foreign policy, but very strong on imaginary solutions to non-problems. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Carly Fiorina demands speaking time, accuses Wolf Blitzer of performing partial-birth abortions. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Carly Fiorina belittles 1st-term senators, sets aside memory of losing senate election. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Angry Dr. Huxtable demands that Americans stop being squeamish about expensive wars in Middle East, forgets about past 15 years. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Wolf Blitzer accuses Ted Cruz of supporting dictators, desperately seeks approval from audience of bigots. ‪#‎GopDebate‬

Marco Rubio quietly describes Iraq War as successful in fascinating alternative history. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Trump proposes $4 trillion jobs bill, makes accurate statement that Iraq-Afghanistan wars were disastrous failures. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ ‪#‎Trump2016‬

Trump is demolishing the competition with Iraq-Afghanistan war denunciations. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Bush denounces failed foreign policy, reaffirms support for Iraq War. ‪#‎SatireIsMeaningless‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Chris Christie is right. We need to focus on invading Iran. Hugh Hewitt wants to be right, but instead is boring. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

The “reasonable” candidate, John Kaisch, demands a war with Russia. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Republican candidates keep talking about a no-fly zone to fight ISIS…despite ISIS lacking an Air Force. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Rand Paul and Chris Christie sparring on stage, both polling at less than 3 percent. ‪#‎NotAllowedAtTheAdultTable‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Jeb Bush acknowledges that he is widely lacking in knowledge in a desperate attempt to insult Trump. ‪#‎SadFaceJeb‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

All of the minor candidates shriek their outrage that Trump is beating them senseless. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Angry Dr. Huxtable demonstrates policy knowledge by avoiding discussion of policy. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Marco Rubio will not be defined as pro-immigrant in a party of cross burners. ‪#‎Brave‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Ted Cruz mentions amnesty, crowd surges with rage, begins smashing windows, building walls spontaneously. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Ted Cruz vs. Marco Rubio doing ferocious battle to claim title of most hysterical cable news commentator. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Carly Fiorina demands speaking time, begs voters for attention by holding breath, turning blue. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Jeb Bush bravely denounces Barack Obama, pretends that 2001-2009 didn’t happen. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Angry Dr. Huxtable endorses good choices over false choices. ‪#‎Profound‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Rand Paul claims existence of imaginary army of food stamp-addicted illegal immigrants. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Chris Christie is hostile because the snack bar is subpar, seeks better access to fresh jumbo shrimp cocktails. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

We’re getting a rare opportunity to see conservative candidates not calling for a war in this North Korea moment. ‪#‎GopDebate‬

Angry Dr. Huxtable asserts that economic power is better than military power…but still strongly in favor of a war in Iraq. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

It’s been a long, painful night for Jeb Bush if he’s going back to Hillary email. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Trump-Cruz is going to be a ferocious team in the White House. Poor Hillary Clinton will never see the West Wing again. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Hugh Hewitt is sweating while speaking to future President Trump. The fear is real. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬