Agreeing Loudly Debuts New Feature that does a Think Piece on latest Trump Supporter Think Piece

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The Villages are America’s largest retirement community, and also one of its most Republican. This week, Politico published the 35,475th think-piece on Trump supporters, joining the New York Times and other outlets on a zealous pursuit of dedicating an op-ed or profile on each one of President Trump’s 62,985,134 supporters. This new Agreeing Loudly feature is a behind the scenes look at the latest think piece.
Evergreen Terrace, America —
Earlier this week we dispatched a field correspondent to get a behind the scenes look at the editorial development of the latest think piece dedicated to Trump/GOP supporters. This is an excerpt of what he/she found. 
—-
Author Michael Grunwald:
Have you glanced at that long think piece I sent you on Friday afternoon?
Editor:
I did. The advertisers and the other staff members have some concerns.
Grunwald:
Such as?
Editor:
Well…the first draft is something like eighteen thousand words. Most of the direct quotations consist of profanity mixed with racial slurs.
Grunwald:
They’re conveying plain-spoken views of regular voters.
Editor:
I get it. Present the unfiltered truth, ordinary Americans, strong convictions and all that, but advertisers are never going to accept something like this.
Grunwald:
You told me to write about the honest opinions of Trump voters.
Editor:
The clerical staff says that there are seventeen paragraphs in which your interview subjects either admit to or fantasize about committing hate crimes. What the fuck are we supposed to do with that?
Grunwald:
I’m fine with substantial changes. If we have to censor some of the more inappropriate, ultra-nutty stuff, so be it. As long as the overarching theme remains…
Editor:
Also, the risk management attorneys are asking for a separate meeting with you because based on your transcripts, you’re in possession of evidence that relates to dozens of felonies. You know that portion with the retired Marine and his girlfriend, where they brag about carrying pistols to fend off carjackers? Well, they’re wanted in three states for arson and attempted murder. The FBI says that they have a history of firebombing Mexican restaurants.
Grunwald:
So you’re saying that I should rewrite substantial portions?
Editor:
We’ll throw in some meaningless horse shit about demographics and economic anxiety. It’ll be fine.
Screen Shot 2018-06-19 at 10.01.24 PM
A visual representation of our think piece.

That’s all for now folks, take care of yourself out there. 

Nation Collapses as 326,374,365 People Simultaneously Pursue American Dream

College Republican
The Nation collapsed on Friday as over 300 million people decided to just do their own thing. 

Washington D.C. —

Inspired by U.S. President Donald Trump and others that say “I alone can do this”, the country formally known as the United States of America (which will be producing its next album with symbol sign, in the color scheme of the flag) collapsed economically, politically, and socially as 326,374,365 people decided to join the self-starter entrepreneurship movement and just do their own damn thing.

Originally hailed as a great thing by Ayn Rand worshiper, professional “very serious person”, and lifelong recipient of taxpayer handouts Paul Ryan, who extols the virtue of the young-ins needing to learn the value of hard work, the movement to move more and more people to reconnect with and rejuvenate the American Dream collapsed upon itself a couple of hours ago.

The American Dream, the abstract and opaque notion that every US citizen should have an equal opportunity to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative, fell apart ultimately when every US citizen simultaneously decided to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative–which left the country with zero consumers by the end of the day.

The Dream had for years and years been weakened and narrowed to become an overly economic dream, says Jonathan O’Brien, whose consultant firm O’Brien Strategies he just started earlier today. Kramerica industries, an Upper West Side one-man corporation that as far as we know contains a man, a messy apartment, and what may or may not be a live-chicken, concurred with this assessment.

Matters were further complicated politically as every US millennial whether they were the constitutionally-required 35 years old or not declared their intention to run for the Presidency in 2020.

Yes, America was filled with such grandiose ambitions all day from announced runs for the White House all the way to a local man hoping to share his music with the neighborhood, so long as sharing required the passing over of an Alexander Hamilton.

AP Mass Shooting Template Accidentally Published

Agreeing Loudly

IMG_0417Above is the template picture to be replaced by the site of the shooting picture according to the accidentally published template —  this template picture is proof that most AP journalists are godless communists, that are planning to take your guns with their Star Trek quotes and hippie lifestyle.

Washington D.C. — At approximately noon today, an Associated Press journalist accidentally published the mass shooting in the United States template he had been working from for the past six years of his employment. Below is the text of that template.

**********

In what has seemingly become a daily occurrence in the United States, the latest mass shooting took place at [insert: city or town name here] and while we are still waiting for information to come in, authorities report that the alleged shooter is [insertfirst-middle-last name of shooter here] and has been [insert: apprehended or…

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Daniel Day-Lewis Caps Brilliant Career as DNC Plant Roy Moore

Legendary multi-Academy Award winner Daniel Day-Lewis capped his brilliant acting career last week in his role as Judge Roy Moore. Contracted earlier this year to impersonate a cartoonish villain that would find a way to go too far even for GOP voters, Lewis pulled it off in the 11th hour, giving Democratic candidate Doug Jones the surprise victory in the December special election to fill Jefferson Beauregard Sessions’s Senate seat.

It almost wasn’t to be. Polls had Moore comfortably ahead months ago after the GOP primary where Daniel Day-Lewis portraying Moore surged ahead of establishment and Trump endorsed pick Luther Strange in the GOP primary by out-crazying Strange.

“It was a fine line that Day-Lewis had to play as an actor. To be crazy enough to win the GOP primary in Alabama, to authentically hide the fact you have been contracted by the DNC in this elaborate scheme, and to even go so far as come up with a cover performance Phantom Thread, who most were considering his film, and in a way it still is”, said industry expert Jonathan Tilters, who has no affiliation with Harvey Weinstein, nor has ever has ever had a conversation with him, or anyone who might have had one. He assures Agreeing Loudly that he didn’t know anything. (sure, Jonathan, sure…)

To complete the tour de force final performance of his career though, Day-Lewis needed to drag the GOP and Alabama electorate so far into the depths of moral depravity and nihilism that he needed a bold strike leading up to the December election, where polls showed Moore easily leading. Enter — multiple allegations of pedophilia, predator-like behavior of underage girls, and a lifetime ban from the local mall.

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Writers at the DNC, the same ones currently collaborating with DNC scientists on a revised Jon Ossoff prototype candidate, pegged the mob characters from Warren Beatty’s 1990 hit Dick Tracy as the starting point for devising an unelectable Republican candidate in deep-red Alabama. The candidate that eventually evolved into twice removed from the bench-but still goes by the name of “Judge Roy Moore.” One other contingency plan on the even of last Tuesday’s special election was Judge Moore physically punching Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban repeatedly on the sideline, but Alabama was upset in their last regular season game, leaving them out of the SEC championship, and foiling the contingency.

“It almost wasn’t enough”, said Day-Lewis, wiping off the extensive makeup off his face that transformed him into a likeness of a B-roll character from the 1990 comic book film Dick Tracy, after he stepped down from the stage insisting that “Judge Roy Moore” would not concede until all the provision ballots were counted. “I had several contingency plans if pedophilia didn’t work, including leaking a video of myself peeing on Confederate monuments.”

In his last performance of his storied career, he was leaving nothing up to chance.

Bravo Mr. Day-Lewis, and enjoy your retirement!

Heroic Lobbyists of the Congress – NAFTA War of 2017 to join other War Vets this Veterans’ Day

Screen Shot 2017-10-24 at 10.45.49 PMWashington D.C. —

This November 11th, “very serious people” who just know a lot about economics that you don’t understand, will be joining veterans of American wars past, present and forever, in parades across the country, as well as using their time in Washington defending the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), a deeply complex multi-lateral trade agreement understood by five people, to lobby Congress for certified veteran status.

“I feel like we deserve America’s gratitude and thanks for our service in lobbying with our Army to protect this legislation”, said Michael Wellington, an MBA grad from Yale whose hair has not moved since his junior year at Choate.

“It’s high time brilliant patriotic organizations like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce have the social capital and honor that the general public pretends to bestow upon veterans , and I myself have sacrificed my 2nd vacation with my family this year in defense of what is probably the greatest trade agreement, piece of legislation, or political act is world history, NAFTA is the dream that Hyman Roth wanted for Cuba in the Godfather before undesirables forced their agenda upon the masses”, added Wellington, praising NAFTA, which was signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1993.

NAFTA has a storied legacy of adding tremendous profits to corporations and rich people that has taken the U.S. economy to record heights according to the Chamber. “The stock market is at record highs and has gone to places we could have only imagined back in 1993”, explained Chamber spokesperson Jonathan Hunter. When pressed for comment about the lack of tangible connections most Americans feel to stock prices and the Gilded Age-levels of economic inequality people are facing, Hunter retorted “look at the Dow Jones Industrial, look at the Nasdaq, look at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and finally — why are you communist who hates America?”

Before deploying a squad of the vaunted “NAFTA Army” on an AL.com correspondent earlier today Hunter was last heard yelling that the link between effort and reward is perfect, that the common people just needed to believe in the magic more, consume more products in order to achieve happiness, and most importantly, they just need to be born as Jonathan Hunter, Michael Wellington, and other similar people and they’ll do just fine. 

Local Man Who Pulled Out Has No Intention of Accepting the Consequences

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Local Man (shown above) pulled out earlier today, and has no intention of giving the consequences of his actions a second thought going forward.

Washington, D.C. — Earlier today a Local Man took absolutely zero precautions, nor will take any responsibility for the resulting developments after “pulling out.” Instead he refocused attention later on by commenting on the substantial growth that will occur by pulling out.

“Tremendous, tremendous progress, we’re growing so hard, and we’re going to grow even harder after pulling out”, said the Man in characteristic bluster.

Continuing, he added that he will “begin negotiations to re-enter”, although several nearby seemed skeptical that this was in good faith. According to several sources, there is little interest on either side.

“I promised I would pull out months ago, and I have fulfilled that promise.” 

Despite following through on earlier promises, studies show that pulling out and praying is the least successful method of avoiding disastrous or unintended consequences, both because science exists, and it is quite clear in the Old Testament and theological scholarship that God intended people to be stewards over creation, and co-creators if possible, especially in the areas of the new, living, and thriving, rather than the dead and buried.

When Local Man was asked whether he would offer support just in case predictable consequences did arise, the man responded: “Covfefe! I’ll be dead so the answer is no and it won’t matter.”

This journalist can be reached for comment at {redacted} or {redacted}. 

“Education Is The Key”, Says Politician With No Interest In Solving Societal Problems

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Richard Boone (D-R), speaking in front a podium at the capitol on Wednesday, offered several platitudes about education being critical, which will justify his decades-long inaction and destruction of several policy areas.

Washington, D.C. — In front of hoard of angry constituents, reporters who make five figures and are bizarrely more despised than politicians who make six figures, and several casual passer-bys, Rep. Boone from the state of Fremont, stressed that it was critical for the “next generation to receive a high quality education, and that the children are our future.” Statements like these make Boone, who has represented a midwestern district in the equally midwestern state of Fremont, feel better about his decades-long inaction in the policy areas of health care, energy, the environment, taxes, and jobs. From all appearances, his offering of this olive branch of “education” to constituents that have suffered greatly after the decades long outsourcing and automating of several factories in the district, landed mostly on deaf ears.

Boone, a member of the Democratic-Republican Party and co-chair of the Freedom and Liberty in the Same Sentence Caucus, will most likely be re-elected, with his particular brand of cultural populism that features literature, billboards, and T.V. ads every two years citing his critical work on “stopping the hipster invasion of Fremont.” This type of campaign may especially resonate this year, as Fremont youth have taken to starting bands, sitting at coffee shops, and painting graffiti on sidewalks with phrases like “All You Need Is Love” and “Make Peace, Not War”, rather than working two to three minimum wage service jobs to pay rent.

“There is a real youth crisis today, this generation just doesn’t know the value of hard work”, said local Rep. Boone supporter and sometimes staffer William Carlisle, who is paid handsomely each cycle to more or less drop litter on the ground in the form of “lit drops” that the heavy midwestern wind inevitably blows away into the street. These funds come mostly from pharmaceutical and insurance lobbies to kill health care reform, and from the chamber of commerce to kill increases to the minimum wage, “We’ve gotta re-elect Rep. Boone next fall”, exclaimed Carlisle. “He knows how to keep the hipsters out of Fremont like Jon Snow and the White Walkers.”

Rep. Boone plans to serve 6 or 8 more terms before turning things over to his staffer, who by then at the youthful age of 51, should be very adept at quoting platitudes about educating the next generation to do all of the work that he refuses do to do.

Rep. Boone could not be reached for a quote on this article, and this journalist kindly requests that hate mail sent by his supporters be kept within the realm of legality and respectability. 

This Week on the Interwebs

The Controlled Burn
A lot happened this week, but I keep coming back to the Joker line in The Dark Knight, sometimes people just want to “watch the world burn.” Not much unites the country these days, but one thing nearly everyone under the age of 45 can agree on, the status quo has not been working for some time.

Beginning a new regular-to-semi-regular series on this website, an internet and news of the week round-up that will be graph-laden and told in a very ad-hoc manner. For the article and commentary news round-up, Pat Meacham has you covered.

Depending on your perspective, this week was either the beginning of Watergate Part II (dir. by Oliver Stone, I’m assuming….), or just another week of the “liberal conspiracy media” trying to ruin the Trump agenda. We’re not doing a very good job as a society of “piercing bubbles” so far, although I will continue nonetheless.

Approval 2 (Boomer Division)
We just crossed the 100 days marker not too long ago, here is where Trump stands, and keep in mind this was before the Comey firing. Most importantly, look at the general trend of the erosion of trust and support for Presidents (in line with eroding support for other American institutions) over the years. Post-Watergate I, partisanship was high but then confidence was briefly restored before returning with a vengeance as soon as the boomer generation assumed complete control of all elected branches of government (Fmr. President Clinton and onward).
Approval 1
Yes, President Trump is different than previous times of polarization and partisanship. He is the most polarizing President in the history of polling. This graph is from right after the inauguration. 
Russia GDP Growth Rate
I don’t pay much attention to the particulars of the Russia investigations. I have no doubt in my mind Putin and Russia wanted Trump elected. Why? 7 straight quarters of negative GDP growth. Russia under Putin has not thrived at all, just the opposite. And if our nation emulates their system we will suffer the same fate (minus differences in natural resources, etc.) and even more stagnant growth (more on this later).

….while we’re on the subject of the future of U.S. public policy…

And America
From the Willy Wonka Honest Trailer on YouTube–check it out if you have time. Hilarious and also this…
What Obesity Used to Look Like
More than 1/3 of U.S. adults are obese and 17.5% of children, couple this with the damning statistic of 20% of U.S. children being in poverty (obviously, through no fault of their own), compared to 4.8% for the Netherlands, there is a lot of room for improvement beyond meaningless and mostly symbolic statements like: “the children are our future.” The obesity crisis has gone under-reported in the U.S. media and has been but one of many reasons that there is no easy fix to the U.S. health care system.

Speaking of….

Fate of 18 Midterms on Older Boomers
If you think the impact of the AHCA passing will surely deliver both houses of Congress to the Democratic Party, think again. You’re counting on a demographic who has voted reliably Republican or Democrat for some time. 
Truth
Ain’t this the truth….
The Pre-existing condition
Please tell me again how the “children are our future?” And why did Hillary Clinton not run on ending child poverty? “It’s Time” to do X, Y, and Z would have been a far better appeal than “I’m With Her” or “Stronger Together”, but I digress. All of this assumes the elites of the Democratic Party knew what they were doing.
Math Is Hard For Fox News
Fox News has had cosmic justice enforced on them in abundance lately. Scandal after scandal, but they can still trot out their old reliable trademark of using accurate statistics to incredibly mislead people. Jeez… if only former President Obama had pressed the job creation button on January 21st…

While we’re on the subject of President Obama, the following undermine GOP arguments that he spent too much during his administration.

So it looks like it wasn’t wild spending, but rather something else that has caused the new normal of sluggish growth. It certainly isn’t sluggish for the wealthy and big corporations….ah, the “job creator” class, what an utter myth.

Consumers create jobs for the most part and workers create value. And until even the so-called “capitalists” of this country understand that, we’re going to suffer from stagnant growth because…. the masses are nearly out of money because…. see below.

Distribution of Income During Expansion
The story since the late 70’s has been unequal growth, wages not rising with productivity and inflation, and its starting to catch up with us no matter who is in charge. Why? Because Tom Frank is right–there is no “party of the people” right now and hasn’t been for some time (circa late 70’s, notice a trend here?)

This has led to a distribution that looks like this….

wealth in america
Clearly, something will have to give here.

There are some that will keep banging the drums for the “magic”, but most working people pounding pavement and trying to take care of their families know the truth–the link between effort and reward is gone and has been for some time.

Want to know what’s behind the actual American carnage and why none of 45’s and the far-right to Alt-Right cabal’s policies will work? Because there is a fundamental disconnect between the world that elites inhabit, and organized money protects, and the actual reality of what is going on and has been the trend in American life for some time.

And this is why the most relevant historical force in the 2016 Presidential election was not Donald Trump–but rather it was Bernie Sanders.

He has proven that small dollar donations can break the donor class monopoly of our political system, or at the very least has proven you can put up one hell of a fight and maybe next (demographically speaking) things will break your way. If it is not broken up, it’ll be hard for much of anything to be made “great”again, although I’d very much settle for “good” outcomes at this point.

Indeed, Mr. Norris was right. We are cursed to live (or fortunate to live?) in interesting times. Anyone who has been following developments between the Alt-Right and far-left clashing on college campuses lately, or developments like this can conclude that we are cursed to live in interesting times.

So I keep coming back to the Joker and “watching the world burn.”

There are those who have settled into the world as it is and those (overwhelmingly under 45) who are dreaming of the world as it should be. I think the common thread that binds a lot of millennials, most Gen-X’ers, and younger folks together will be our desire to “burn it down.”

The key difference will be what type of burn. At the outset I showed a “controlled burn” that farmers utilize to help the soil and rotate crops. I believe the controlled burn is far preferable to what the Alt-Right is and wants, which I will call the “moral hazard burn.”

The Moral Hazard Burn
That’s all for now, folks.

Take care of each out there. And stay tuned for Agreeing Loudly and the Margin of Error.

Young Paul Ryan Biopic Scheduled for Release in 2018

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It was in his early years that Paul Ryan learned such immortal lessons like: “mercy is for the weak” and “an enemy deserves no mercy.”

Long before “serious person” Paul Ryan was Speaker of the House of Representatives and tasked with implementing the domestic agenda of the Trump administration, and long before he became a perpetual college sophomore really into Ayn Rand, he received an early education in philosophy, sociology, politics, economics, and especially martial arts at the “Cobra Kai” dojo. It was at this dojo where he learned such valuable lessons like “mercy is for the weak” and “an enemy deserves no mercy.”

Ryan (seen above, left) was an impressionable 15 year old youth when he observed his then God-Emperor Kreese and an older student, Johnny Lawrence, get their rightful title stolen from them and the dojo by East Coast elitist Daniel LaRusso, a transplant from Newark, New Jersey, and his mentor, a man LaRusso called “Mr. Miyagi”, who Ryan much preferred prior to this interaction, back when he was the owner of “Arnold’s Drive In” somewhere in his memories of Wisconsin.

Agreeing Loudly looks forward to reviewing this biopic of Speaker Ryan tentatively titled: Young Paul Ryan.

Very Serious Person Asserts That He Is Very Smart on Internet

Brainwashing Complete
Courtesy of Reddit: the source of approximately 32 percent of the youth vote coalition of President Trump, with the remainder mostly coming from 4chan.

A Dispatch from “Publius” in New York, NY–

Earlier today on the internet a “very serious person”, self-identified as a member of the alt-right, a species of super human beings who worship a God Emperor got into a conclusive argument with a mere regular human being.

Local “very serious person” objectively has the right answers, and can prove this empirically. #IAmVerySmart 

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–Story Update–

Agreeing Loudly “deep state” sources can confirm the identity of this very serious person as potentially this man:

paulryan
No matter where you sit on the health care debate, we can all agree that this man and other “very serious people” have better health care than you do.