Nation Collapses as 326,374,365 People Simultaneously Pursue American Dream

College Republican
The Nation collapsed on Friday as over 300 million people decided to just do their own thing. 

Washington D.C. —

Inspired by U.S. President Donald Trump and others that say “I alone can do this”, the country formally known as the United States of America (which will be producing its next album with symbol sign, in the color scheme of the flag) collapsed economically, politically, and socially as 326,374,365 people decided to join the self-starter entrepreneurship movement and just do their own damn thing.

Originally hailed as a great thing by Ayn Rand worshiper, professional “very serious person”, and lifelong recipient of taxpayer handouts Paul Ryan, who extols the virtue of the young-ins needing to learn the value of hard work, the movement to move more and more people to reconnect with and rejuvenate the American Dream collapsed upon itself a couple of hours ago.

The American Dream, the abstract and opaque notion that every US citizen should have an equal opportunity to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative, fell apart ultimately when every US citizen simultaneously decided to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative–which left the country with zero consumers by the end of the day.

The Dream had for years and years been weakened and narrowed to become an overly economic dream, says Jonathan O’Brien, whose consultant firm O’Brien Strategies he just started earlier today. Kramerica industries, an Upper West Side one-man corporation that as far as we know contains a man, a messy apartment, and what may or may not be a live-chicken, concurred with this assessment.

Matters were further complicated politically as every US millennial whether they were the constitutionally-required 35 years old or not declared their intention to run for the Presidency in 2020.

Yes, America was filled with such grandiose ambitions all day from announced runs for the White House all the way to a local man hoping to share his music with the neighborhood, so long as sharing required the passing over of an Alexander Hamilton.

Mark Zuckerberg Practicing Folksiness for Inevitable 2020 and/or 2024 Presidential Election Loss

Agreeing Loudly

Mark Zuckerberg Facebook co-founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, seen here with Mayor Pete Buttigeg, is the subject of many speculative media articles, and is looking forward to making the Democratic Party look foolish in 2020, perhaps botching a second completely winnable election in a row.

Palo Alto, CA — Facebook CEO and future Democratic Party presidential loser Mark Zuckerberg has been busy lately, restructuring Facebook stock to ensure his control even after he plans to sell his stock, and also paving the way for a “leave of absence” in the event of government service. But the most telling sign Mark Zuckerberg plans to lose the 2020 or 2024 Presidential election is the above photo and this article which features videos of Mark, a Harvard drop-out who has become a billionaire getting people to willingly end all last vestiges of privacy in the 21st century, milking cows, riding tractors, talking to factory workers and…

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Episode 52: Where’s Lando

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Back from the edges of the Unknown Regions, Agreeing Loudly returns with a smaller strike force to finally declare a champion in its epic Star Wars: The Last Jedi prediction pool. Troy and Jered also discuss the legitimacy of diagnosing the boomer generation as sociopaths and the arrival of the ordained one, Kirk Cousins, to the Great Northern Viking realm.

Listen now! Or use the Force to direct download it instead.

AP Mass Shooting Template Accidentally Published

Agreeing Loudly

IMG_0417Above is the template picture to be replaced by the site of the shooting picture according to the accidentally published template —  this template picture is proof that most AP journalists are godless communists, that are planning to take your guns with their Star Trek quotes and hippie lifestyle.

Washington D.C. — At approximately noon today, an Associated Press journalist accidentally published the mass shooting in the United States template he had been working from for the past six years of his employment. Below is the text of that template.

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In what has seemingly become a daily occurrence in the United States, the latest mass shooting took place at [insert: city or town name here] and while we are still waiting for information to come in, authorities report that the alleged shooter is [insertfirst-middle-last name of shooter here] and has been [insert: apprehended or…

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Daniel Day-Lewis Caps Brilliant Career as DNC Plant Roy Moore

Legendary multi-Academy Award winner Daniel Day-Lewis capped his brilliant acting career last week in his role as Judge Roy Moore. Contracted earlier this year to impersonate a cartoonish villain that would find a way to go too far even for GOP voters, Lewis pulled it off in the 11th hour, giving Democratic candidate Doug Jones the surprise victory in the December special election to fill Jefferson Beauregard Sessions’s Senate seat.

It almost wasn’t to be. Polls had Moore comfortably ahead months ago after the GOP primary where Daniel Day-Lewis portraying Moore surged ahead of establishment and Trump endorsed pick Luther Strange in the GOP primary by out-crazying Strange.

“It was a fine line that Day-Lewis had to play as an actor. To be crazy enough to win the GOP primary in Alabama, to authentically hide the fact you have been contracted by the DNC in this elaborate scheme, and to even go so far as come up with a cover performance Phantom Thread, who most were considering his film, and in a way it still is”, said industry expert Jonathan Tilters, who has no affiliation with Harvey Weinstein, nor has ever has ever had a conversation with him, or anyone who might have had one. He assures Agreeing Loudly that he didn’t know anything. (sure, Jonathan, sure…)

To complete the tour de force final performance of his career though, Day-Lewis needed to drag the GOP and Alabama electorate so far into the depths of moral depravity and nihilism that he needed a bold strike leading up to the December election, where polls showed Moore easily leading. Enter — multiple allegations of pedophilia, predator-like behavior of underage girls, and a lifetime ban from the local mall.

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Writers at the DNC, the same ones currently collaborating with DNC scientists on a revised Jon Ossoff prototype candidate, pegged the mob characters from Warren Beatty’s 1990 hit Dick Tracy as the starting point for devising an unelectable Republican candidate in deep-red Alabama. The candidate that eventually evolved into twice removed from the bench-but still goes by the name of “Judge Roy Moore.” One other contingency plan on the even of last Tuesday’s special election was Judge Moore physically punching Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban repeatedly on the sideline, but Alabama was upset in their last regular season game, leaving them out of the SEC championship, and foiling the contingency.

“It almost wasn’t enough”, said Day-Lewis, wiping off the extensive makeup off his face that transformed him into a likeness of a B-roll character from the 1990 comic book film Dick Tracy, after he stepped down from the stage insisting that “Judge Roy Moore” would not concede until all the provision ballots were counted. “I had several contingency plans if pedophilia didn’t work, including leaking a video of myself peeing on Confederate monuments.”

In his last performance of his storied career, he was leaving nothing up to chance.

Bravo Mr. Day-Lewis, and enjoy your retirement!

Episode 51: The ViKings of the North

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We’re back with another break from the neverending political chaos that is the Trumpocalypse, to discuss the surprising ascendancy of the Kings of the North, the Minnesota Vikings.

Join us as we discuss our hopes for the rest of their season, what about this year’s team makes them special and some of the most heartbreaking moments in Vikings history.

So pick your pants up off the ground and listen to this week’s episode of Agreeing Loudly Coast to Coast as we revel in the unforeseen success of one the most snakebitten teams in the NFL. Low on data? Download it instead!

Episode 50: The Force is Strong with this Pod

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A week or so ago in a galaxy not too far away, the Agreeing Loudly Alliance witnessed the legendary trailer for Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

Not content with merely watching it, the Alliance decided it was vital that over an hour be spent discussing the next movie and making predictions so bold that not even the might of The First Order can stop them.

So grab your favorite Porg (or ice wolf) and listen to this month’s episode of Agreeing Loudly Coast to Coast! On one of the Outer Rim planets with a poor internet connection? Download it instead.

Heroic Lobbyists of the Congress – NAFTA War of 2017 to join other War Vets this Veterans’ Day

Screen Shot 2017-10-24 at 10.45.49 PMWashington D.C. —

This November 11th, “very serious people” who just know a lot about economics that you don’t understand, will be joining veterans of American wars past, present and forever, in parades across the country, as well as using their time in Washington defending the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), a deeply complex multi-lateral trade agreement understood by five people, to lobby Congress for certified veteran status.

“I feel like we deserve America’s gratitude and thanks for our service in lobbying with our Army to protect this legislation”, said Michael Wellington, an MBA grad from Yale whose hair has not moved since his junior year at Choate.

“It’s high time brilliant patriotic organizations like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce have the social capital and honor that the general public pretends to bestow upon veterans , and I myself have sacrificed my 2nd vacation with my family this year in defense of what is probably the greatest trade agreement, piece of legislation, or political act is world history, NAFTA is the dream that Hyman Roth wanted for Cuba in the Godfather before undesirables forced their agenda upon the masses”, added Wellington, praising NAFTA, which was signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1993.

NAFTA has a storied legacy of adding tremendous profits to corporations and rich people that has taken the U.S. economy to record heights according to the Chamber. “The stock market is at record highs and has gone to places we could have only imagined back in 1993”, explained Chamber spokesperson Jonathan Hunter. When pressed for comment about the lack of tangible connections most Americans feel to stock prices and the Gilded Age-levels of economic inequality people are facing, Hunter retorted “look at the Dow Jones Industrial, look at the Nasdaq, look at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and finally — why are you communist who hates America?”

Before deploying a squad of the vaunted “NAFTA Army” on an AL.com correspondent earlier today Hunter was last heard yelling that the link between effort and reward is perfect, that the common people just needed to believe in the magic more, consume more products in order to achieve happiness, and most importantly, they just need to be born as Jonathan Hunter, Michael Wellington, and other similar people and they’ll do just fine. 

Episode 49: Way Too Early Democratic Presidential Convention Nominee Mock Draft

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After another several month absence, Agreeing Loudly is back from coast to coast to conduct what was originally thought to be a way too early Democratic Presidential Draft. However, three days after we recorded this episode, Nate Silver and company beat us to the punch with a draft of their own. We’re not saying they’ve bugged our recording studio…but that’s exactly what we’re saying.

Help us overcome the conspiracy by listening to this month’s episode now! Afraid of those who shall not be named listening in? Download it here instead.

Episode 48: Winter is Here…Kind Of

Sansa

The Agreeing Loudly podcast is taking a break from the depressing world of United States politics to discuss the slightly less depressing world of politics in Westeros. That’s right, winter is here and the Agreeing Loudly nerds are delving deep into this season of Game of Thrones. GET HYPE.

Stream the episode or download it! Or do both. Whatever works for you.

Coast to Coast theme music is from Lee Rosevere.