Nation Collapses as 326,374,365 People Simultaneously Pursue American Dream

College Republican
The Nation collapsed on Friday as over 300 million people decided to just do their own thing. 

Washington D.C. —

Inspired by U.S. President Donald Trump and others that say “I alone can do this”, the country formally known as the United States of America (which will be producing its next album with symbol sign, in the color scheme of the flag) collapsed economically, politically, and socially as 326,374,365 people decided to join the self-starter entrepreneurship movement and just do their own damn thing.

Originally hailed as a great thing by Ayn Rand worshiper, professional “very serious person”, and lifelong recipient of taxpayer handouts Paul Ryan, who extols the virtue of the young-ins needing to learn the value of hard work, the movement to move more and more people to reconnect with and rejuvenate the American Dream collapsed upon itself a couple of hours ago.

The American Dream, the abstract and opaque notion that every US citizen should have an equal opportunity to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative, fell apart ultimately when every US citizen simultaneously decided to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative–which left the country with zero consumers by the end of the day.

The Dream had for years and years been weakened and narrowed to become an overly economic dream, says Jonathan O’Brien, whose consultant firm O’Brien Strategies he just started earlier today. Kramerica industries, an Upper West Side one-man corporation that as far as we know contains a man, a messy apartment, and what may or may not be a live-chicken, concurred with this assessment.

Matters were further complicated politically as every US millennial whether they were the constitutionally-required 35 years old or not declared their intention to run for the Presidency in 2020.

Yes, America was filled with such grandiose ambitions all day from announced runs for the White House all the way to a local man hoping to share his music with the neighborhood, so long as sharing required the passing over of an Alexander Hamilton.