Sen. Tom Cotton “Gin” Focuses Attention on the Next War at GOP Convention

Tom Cotton Gin
Taking the stage Monday night, Sen. Tom Cotton “Gin” of Arkansas, argued forcefully to prepare the nation for War with Iran, as well as War against a roving band of sixth graders that have been terrorizing Front Street all summer.

Desperate to continue justifying the nations bloated “defense” budget, Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), the GOP’s “rising star” took to the stage Monday night to briefly talk about why the nation should elect Donald Trump as its next President. After giving passing mention to why his years of experience as a reality T.V. star qualifies him to be commander in chief, Cotton, an Army veteran himself, argued passionately for re-arming the nation for the next fight: the War in Iran. However, he did not stop there.

Concerned that the Iran War will not equal the potency and excess in the defense budget that the nearly fifteen year long two-front Afghanistan-Iraq Wars have brought, he also highlighted a second enemy: the roving band of sixth graders on their bikes who have been loitering all summer around Front Street.

The mastery of the elementary school years by the numerous 11 and 12 year olds around the community has given newfound confidence and outright arrogance, to the incredible dismay of curmudgeons and pre-mudgeons everywhere. “I just wanted to enjoy my summer, yet here come these kids on their bikes and 32 ounce sodas rotting their teeth, and they just sit on those bikes, and I don’t what they’re up to…”, says Brian Kilmeke, an enthusiastic Cotton supporter who is already backing his 2020 Presidential bid just in case Trump is unable to make America great again…

“When I was that age you didn’t see us disrespecting elders like that, and acting all entitled, I seriously worry about kids these days”, Kilmeke added.

Sen. Cotton promised that not only would the defense coffers continue, but increasing the budget to meet the growing threat of “Icy Mountain Dew” gangs on Front Street across American cities and towns would a top goal of his administration…. I mean after Trump loses and all. In explaining his choice for the next abstract, impenetrable threat to America, Cotton offered these words: “I needed to create an enemy that is not only present everywhere, but also equally disliked John and Jane and union Joe too. Unless it is your kid on one of those bikes, those 12 year olds and their multi-colored freezies fit the bill. We’ll probably go after those who prefer purple, blue, and red first. Those are the best flavors. I can tell those are the leaders.”

Add this to throwing away the Iran Deal, starting a War with Iran, and ensuring a third and fourth round of tax cuts for billionaires, we can be assured that things are just getting started.

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