Eagleview Heights, MN — Matthew Johnsen “with an E”, abandoned his fourth attempt at being a vegetarian since meeting his more progressive and open-minded girlfriend, Ashley Miller. Johnsen, who spells his last name with an “E” at the end, and is not related at all to Micah Johnson, who door-knocked Miller and Johnsen’s 2BR home that they are currently renting the other day in support of local candidate Jim Salverson, has really opened up his mind the past few years since meeting Miller, but has not been able to convert to a vegetarian diet. “Considering Matt’s blood type, it would really be preferable for him to pursue a meat-free diet based on fruits, veggies, beans & legumes, and whole grains — he’s almost all-organic now like I am, mostly because I buy the groceries, but still….”, says Miller, who first met Johnsen “with an E” at the gym when he was struggling for oxygen in his second mile on the treadmill.
Johnsen was confident he could do it this time but suffered a set-back earlier in the week when he attributed a fever of 102 to the sudden change in diet, rather than the more likely culprit, a virus. “I’ve started wearing Lululemon, am almost all-organic thanks to Ashley, and have reduced my eco (pronounced: echo) footprint”, relayed Johnsen, who has mentioned his attempt at vegetarianism to every friend and casual acquaintance he has seen in the past ten days. “I mean good for him and all, but it was just insufferable to listen to”, says fantasy baseball friend Jordan Botch, who was growing increasingly annoyed with Johnsen’s pious displays of his lifestyle change. Johnsen himself also began to question the change. “I really pride myself on being liked, and although I dropped ten lbs in a week and could feel energy creeping back into my body, I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing my relatable everyman-ness”, explained Johnsen, who voted for George W. Bush in 2004 during his first time as an eligible voter because he thought Bush did a great job of “keeping the country safe” and that he could probably have a beer and talk baseball with him.