LOS ANGELES, CA—In response to allegations that he lied about raising millions of dollars for veterans, GOP presumptive nominee and millionaire Donald Trump revealed he donated $6 million to local veteran Christopher “Nazzi” Finazzi. “That’s NAH-zee, not NOT-zi,” Finazzi explained to reporters, earlier today “Mr. Trump’s in no way associated with those freaks.”
“The guy gets a bad rap,” the former seaman stated, drinking directly out of a 1.75 of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey, “he’s always been generous with me. Super supportive of the troops.” Since receiving Trump’s patronage, Finazzi has relocated to Beverly Hills where he is investing in rent-stabilized housing units in Los Angeles County, turning the initial $6 million he received into a $250 million profit.
“I’ve also invested in an app that helps people who are into threesomes hook up,” he said. Finazzi went on to show reports the closet of screen-printed tee-shirts and blu-ray collection he has amassed with his new-found wealth. “I’m get a fat-ass ‘Scarface’ tattoo next week,” he explained as he walked reporters through his collection of firearms. Los Angeles’s newest millionaire also owns barstools made out of whale foreskins and employs an in-house DJ.
Besides his real estate investments, Finazzi has also invested his money into stocks of Rockstar Energy Drinks, Ducati, Masserati, Pinkberry, Pfizer, and an upcoming Steve Jobs biopic. “Me and a buddy are also making an app that will help people interested in threesome, foursomes, and fivesomes hook up,” he stated. “Thus my investment in Pfizer. This city’s full of old freaks.”
When asked if he thought it was immoral to receive so much money while other veterans struggled to make ends meet, Finazzi stated that there are plenty of opportunities for vets to ingratiate themselves to a wealthy patron. “The friggin’ real estate market is back, bitches,” he proclaimed as he played beer pong on a platinum ping-pong table next to his infinity pool, “all a Joe needs is a little motivation to get in the game.”
Finazzi, a native of Trenton, New Jersey and a former machinist mate on the U.S.S. Gravely, stated that he met Trump when he was working as a janitor in Trump Tower. He would later go on to work for Trump’s son-in-law, real estate investor Jared Kushner, spending the last two years convincing elderly African-American homeowners in Brooklyn to sell their homes “for cheap.” Finazzi’s skill as a negotiator and entrepreneur is said to have garnered Trump’s enduring admiration after he cleared out 35 tenants from an affordable housing unit in East New York last September. Trump refered to the former tenants as “not good people” and “lazy,” and called Finazzi “great” and “the future.”