Local Man to Reach “Peak Veteran” this Memorial Day

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BLAINE, MN — After receiving his Grunt Life Gadsen Tee in the mail on Friday, a local veteran of the Iraq War is scheduled to reach “Peak Veteran” later today. Jason Halverson, who spent twelve months “in the shit” as a member of the 298th Finance Company in Kuwait, tweeted three pictures of his new shirt from the locker room of Hubert Humphrey Middle School.

“I’ve been working on my transition to ‘Peak Vet’ since 04MAY2008,” Halverson explained, “I bought this hat from the PX as soon as I arrived in sandbox. Haven’t washed it since.” His journey has not been an easy one. “Man, I can’t tell you how many times guys in Najaf, Samarra, or Sadr City would call my identity as a veteran into question when I f—ed up their pay,” Halverson recalls, “They’d call me stuff like . . . fobbit or POG.”

The memories often prove too difficult for Halverson to recall. “When I think of all the sacrifices my guys made over there only to be spit upon by their fellow servicemembers,” he recalls as he nervously rolls the bill of a hat that was last washed in 2010, “I mostly blame Obama. He doesn’t understand our culture, and that kind of attitude has trickled down to the rest of civilian society.”

Halverson, who spent over $200,000 on protein powder and energy supplements from since 2007, also thanked several organization for their help during his transition. “AAFES helped get me all the things I needed to become a bona fide veteran,” he explained gratefully, “everything from bad-ass sleeveless tees, to soft-soled combat boots, to rolls of Cope.” He also thanked for-profit groups like Infidel Apparel, Grunt Style, GNC, and Gander Mountain, as well as nominally non-profit organizations like Wounded Warrior.

“I can’t wait to get out there and be the veteran I’ve identified as since I was a little boy,” Halverson beamed. “First stop: tubing down the Otter Tail and tearing up some strange!” Halverson also looks forward to crying at a parade, yelling at college students, and using racial epitaphs near families at the Golden Corral.

“He’s not supposed to be in here,” added Mario Ramirez, the janitor at Humphrey Middle School.

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