Local Veteran Still Available to Receive Your Gratitude

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MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Unable to dislodge the man from his position between the Typo and the Women’s Scarf Kiosk, staff at the Mall of America confirmed that Carson Starkey, an Iraq War veteran and recently appointed commandant of JROTC Company at E. Charles Knoblauch High School, will continue to make himself available for handshakes, salutes, and free beers from a grateful public. Starkey has posted himself at the Mall of America since Memorial Day in order to represent the what he calls “America’s Next Forgotten Generation.” “I’ll be here until Suzanne picks me up at 1800 today, I think,” Starkey explained, “It’s hard to say because I thought she meant 1800 yesterday, but she never showed. My bad.” During a period of 38 hours, Starkey claims to have shaken the hands of 3,853 bargain-seekers. When asked about his chaffed and bloody hands, Starkey admits that he may have underestimated his allergy to parabens often found in scented hand lotions. “Bath & Body Works has been giving out free samples of hand lotions since yesterday,” he sighed, “I can’t count the number of people who have used my hand to get rid of excess moisturizer.” Starkey’s wife could not be contacted by press time, but sources close to the couple state that she’s enjoying a day to herself.

Local Man to Reach “Peak Veteran” this Memorial Day

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BLAINE, MN — After receiving his Grunt Life Gadsen Tee in the mail on Friday, a local veteran of the Iraq War is scheduled to reach “Peak Veteran” later today. Jason Halverson, who spent twelve months “in the shit” as a member of the 298th Finance Company in Kuwait, tweeted three pictures of his new shirt from the locker room of Hubert Humphrey Middle School.

“I’ve been working on my transition to ‘Peak Vet’ since 04MAY2008,” Halverson explained, “I bought this hat from the PX as soon as I arrived in sandbox. Haven’t washed it since.” His journey has not been an easy one. “Man, I can’t tell you how many times guys in Najaf, Samarra, or Sadr City would call my identity as a veteran into question when I f—ed up their pay,” Halverson recalls, “They’d call me stuff like . . . fobbit or POG.”

The memories often prove too difficult for Halverson to recall. “When I think of all the sacrifices my guys made over there only to be spit upon by their fellow servicemembers,” he recalls as he nervously rolls the bill of a hat that was last washed in 2010, “I mostly blame Obama. He doesn’t understand our culture, and that kind of attitude has trickled down to the rest of civilian society.”

Halverson, who spent over $200,000 on protein powder and energy supplements from since 2007, also thanked several organization for their help during his transition. “AAFES helped get me all the things I needed to become a bona fide veteran,” he explained gratefully, “everything from bad-ass sleeveless tees, to soft-soled combat boots, to rolls of Cope.” He also thanked for-profit groups like Infidel Apparel, Grunt Style, GNC, and Gander Mountain, as well as nominally non-profit organizations like Wounded Warrior.

“I can’t wait to get out there and be the veteran I’ve identified as since I was a little boy,” Halverson beamed. “First stop: tubing down the Otter Tail and tearing up some strange!” Halverson also looks forward to crying at a parade, yelling at college students, and using racial epitaphs near families at the Golden Corral.

“He’s not supposed to be in here,” added Mario Ramirez, the janitor at Humphrey Middle School.

Local Man Excited Encyclopedic Knowledge of Clinton Scandals Once Again Politically Relevant

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WABASSO, MN — Firing up the wireless transistor radio duct-taped to the roof of his Bobcat skid-loader, local man and long-time conservative talk radio enthusiast Bruce Haldorson, is optimistic that his extensive knowledge of 1990’s Clinton Administration scandals will propel him back into political relevancy. Haldorson, who subscribed to the the Wall Street JournalLimbaugh Letter, and American Spectator from 1994 to 1999, looks forward to fervidly espousing his contention that the Clintons got away with tens—if not hundreds—of criminal acts during the 1990s. “A lot of people forget that Slick Willy sold nuclear secrets to the Chi-Coms for campaign contributions,” Haroldson, who once sold food stamps to fund a trip to Dayton Beach in 1995. “Thanks to Donald Trump we’ll finally have an open discussion about Hill and Bill’s involvement in Troopergate, Travelgate, Whitewater, the Vince Foster murder, Filegate, Pardongate, and Able-Danger, and I’ll be able to participate fully at the local Cenex station.” Haroldson went on to assert that Chelsea Clinton’s real father is actual Hillary Clinton’s former law partner Web Hubbell, while repeatedly asserting that Secretary Clinton is actually a “crypto-lesbian.”

In Light of American Politics “Jumping the Shark” – Lady Liberty Repatriates to France

by Troy M. Olson

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The Statue of Liberty, seen here when last left its platform on Liberty Island in the 1989 film “Ghostbusters 2”, will be incredibly missed by tourists, New Yorkers, and all Americans who actually love freedom. However, those who love “freedom and liberty in the same sentence” will attack this piece for being unpatriotic.

In the dark of the night and into the still morning hours of May 26, 2016 – Lady Liberty, that beautiful beacon of hope and freedom that had welcomed generations of new Americans looking for a brighter future, officially closed up shop and decided to call it quits in light of the country nominating Donald Trump as one of its major party nominees for the Presidency. Trump’s incredulous rhetoric toward immigrants and his proposal to build a really big wall on the southern border concerned her. A few weeks ago she mentioned, “if he gets elected I’ll clearly be let go anyway, maybe I’ll just take matters into my own hands and get a head start on the job market.”

Rumor has it Lady Liberty was seen updating her resume and had a couple of networking coffees with recruiters before deciding conditions in the U.S. were even worse than she thought. “Sure I could go join the millions of millennials working 1099 jobs or at coffee houses, but the Little Mermaid was right. I don’t have to put up with this. I have options”, explained LL, who is currently looking into emerging free countries who could use her welcoming services and symbolic weight.

After many months of encouragement from monuments like the “Little Mermaid” in Denmark, and others in Norway, Netherlands, Switzerland, and every other country on Earth who is technically free-er than the United States of America, the colossal neoclassical sculpture on Liberty Island in New York Harbor, New York City, stepped off its pedestal into the chilly Atlantic waters, and began the long journey back to France.

This is a big loss for the United States of America, who in 1776 revolutionized humanity’s relationship to governance with its “Declaration of Independence” from Great Britain, who are now totally free-er than the United States, a country now considered an oligarchy by several pointy head studies.

Local Cat Takes Third Nap of the Day

by Troy M. Olson

There is a lot of bad news every day, news, by definition is a break in the status quo – which is things going as planned. The editorial team at Agreeing Loudly is proud to launch its “Not-News” section of the site. We bring you this breaking story that is absolutely banal and not-news at all, but it will make you smile and feel better about the world.

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This local cat, after waking up early to see his people off and working security detail, watching the cars and pedestrians go by, settles in for his third nap. Usually he waits another hour before allowing himself to dream of a world where he controls the ever elusive red dot, but today was a particularly difficult day: the woman had to wear the black pants he had carefully pulled off the chair to relax in, and a green car drove by 3 times. He thought to himself: “I have this car on my radar and have alerted the local squirrel community.”  Before drifting off to sleep…. 

Agreeing Loudly’s #Boomsplaining of the Week

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Ed Rendell – Agreeing Loudly’s Boomersplainer of the Week

Boomersplaining:

An ageist term used by lazy millennials to disrespect, belittle and devalue the opinion of their older and wiser peers in an attempt to make themselves appear smarter or better in comparison.

Most likely stolen by a group of super-predators from the urban dictionary definition of mansplaining.

This is common among mixed age discussions and debates. The term Boomersplaining is commonly thrown around by those who wish to turn the argument into a battle of the generations or just lack any knowledge or means of adding value to the discussion and wish to devalue the input of other’s (in this case Boomers) who are involved in said discussion.


Sue: “I think college education should be more affordable, interest rates should be lower on government loans and consolidation should be an option.”
Bob: “When I was in college my summer job paid for my education.”
Sue: “Oh there you go again Boomersplaining!”

“The Boomers Strike Back”, Clinton vs. Trump it is.

 

by Troy M. Olson

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Remember Old Economy Steve? Meme courtesy of those lazy millennials and their sarcasm-as-a-defense-mechanism mindset.

It’s settled folks. The 2016 Presidential Election is between Hillary Clinton (D) and Donald Trump (R). Yes, I’m aware that the Democratic Party still has two candidates vying for the nomination, while both Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out a few weeks ago. However, no matter how hard #BernieOrBust folks or other groups try to show you otherwise, the Democratic Primary has been over for some time. For me personally, it was over when Bernie Sanders did not win Iowa. He was over a little bit more when he could not delve into the Nevada unions enough to gain a victory there, although like Iowa, it was close. While admittedly, my Super Tuesday predictions were a little too pessimistic for Bernie, it was still under where he needed to be.

He and his supporters have ran a solid and mostly clean campaign that has focused on the issues, pulled Hillary to the left on many important issues facing the country, and in the process made her a better candidate. Unfortunately, all of the old rules of left-right-center are out this cycle. The Republican Party has decided to nominate real estate mogul, reality TV star, and professional bomb thrower, Donald Trump.

And when I say the Republican Party I mean the lower and medium income white working class voters of the Republican Party has chosen him. As Carson and others have stated all cycle, the establishment of the Republican Party laughs at most of their supporters behind closed doors and has since about 1981. What we did not know as a country is that the Democratic Party now does that too and has for the past twenty years or so. Citizens United, money corrupting our political process, redistribution of wealth and the concentration of it in the hands of the very, very few have not happened in a vacuum. I hate to break it to some party hacks, but the Democratic Party is responsible for these things too. They are responsible because they have endorsed it. You see, back in 1992 when Bill Clinton became the first Democratic President in twelve years, the party tacked to the center and rebranded themselves the “New Democrats.”

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Coast to Coast Podcast #33: Third Party Millennial Political Correctness

 

perot-nader-trumpAgreeing Loudly Coast to Coast is down one Bill this week. Fortunately, Agreeingloudly.com contributor and returning guest, Carson Starkey joins Pat and Jered to brings his particular brand of pedantic satire to this week’s episode. They discuss whether millennials are to blame for the rise of Donald Trump, embrace the utter dominance of Game of Thrones in popular culture, discuss some important news from the sports world, and share their picks for 2016 third party presidential candidates.

Will Millennials deem this podcast too offensive? Can Dorne be saved? Does anyone care what professional athletes have to say about politics? Tune in to this week’s episode to find out!
You can also Direct Download the episode or find us on your preferred podcasting method:

SHOW LINKS:

Blame It on Higher Ed – The Baffler

‘Game of Thrones’ Fans Start Kickstarter to Fix Dorne Story – Screen Crush

Coast to Coast Podcast #32: A Trainwreck, Trump, and Cheddar Bay Biscuits

58460104On this week’s episode of Agreeing Loudly Coast to Coast your favorite podcasting trio answers today’s most pressing questions: Do millennials still like those Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits?

Also this week, Jered attempts to discuss virtual reality before realizing he’s plugged into the Matrix and the only way to escape is to hop aboard the Hype Train with his pals Sandor and Gregor. Pat attempts to restore order with some sports-related morality lessons on the dangers of performance enhancing drugs, before falling victim to Jered’s terrible prognostication. Fortunately, with a little help from Bill “Trump Tower” Nentl, political knowledge descends from the heavens to Make Agreeing Loudly Great Again.

Does anyone care about virtual reality? Will the new Wild Coach make Minnesota sports fans quack? Can a local man win an election on a pro nursing home fraud platform? Listen to this week’s episode to find out!

You can also Direct Download the episode or find us on your preferred podcasting method:

iTunes

Stitcher – Get the free app it’s worth it

Podbay.fm

Show Links:

Millennials Are Really Into Red Lobster – Food and Wine

An unlikely restaurant won over millennials by ignoring them – Business Insider

Oculus.com 

Void.com

Welcome to The Void, a full-body virtual reality simulation

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 3– Oathbreaker – Recap – Watchers on the Wall

Where does Colorado’s Pot money go? This year the answer is Glenwood Springs – Aspen Public Radio

Grimsley to take on Marquart for Minnesota House 4B seat – DL-Online

 

Coast to Coast Podcast #31: Not Your Typical Millennials

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On this week’s episode of Agreeing Loudly Coast to Coast Bill, Jered, and Pat return to the game of millennials to dispel the millennial archetype once and for all. They also discuss far too many other topics including the latest Game of Thrones episode, their favorite Prince pop culture moment, Nintendo’s uncertain console future, NFL Draft news, the latest on their MLB predictions, and more political nonsense including a student government lawsuit that hits way too close to home for one former student body president.

Does Bill have a favorite Prince song? Will Jered find himself on the wrong end of a lawsuit? Does Pat have anything to say about the Nintendo NX? Will this podcast ever stop talking about the presidential nominees? Tune in here to find out!

Show Notes and Articles:

The Average 29-Year-Old – The Atlantic
RIP – Prince Rogers Nelson