MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Unable to dislodge the man from his position between the Typo and the Women’s Scarf Kiosk, staff at the Mall of America confirmed that Carson Starkey, an Iraq War veteran and recently appointed commandant of JROTC Company at E. Charles Knoblauch High School, will continue to make himself available for handshakes, salutes, and free beers from a grateful public. Starkey has posted himself at the Mall of America since Memorial Day in order to represent the what he calls “America’s Next Forgotten Generation.” “I’ll be here until Suzanne picks me up at 1800 today, I think,” Starkey explained, “It’s hard to say because I thought she meant 1800 yesterday, but she never showed. My bad.” During a period of 38 hours, Starkey claims to have shaken the hands of 3,853 bargain-seekers. When asked about his chaffed and bloody hands, Starkey admits that he may have underestimated his allergy to parabens often found in scented hand lotions. “Bath & Body Works has been giving out free samples of hand lotions since yesterday,” he sighed, “I can’t count the number of people who have used my hand to get rid of excess moisturizer.” Starkey’s wife could not be contacted by press time, but sources close to the couple state that she’s enjoying a day to herself.