by Troy M. Olson (“Agreeing Loudly” Bread and Circus Correspondent)
Brooklyn, New York —
A local professional Star Wars fan has recently opened up a direct line to Disney’s bank accounts after sitting down this morning and watching the trailer for the latest installment of Star Wars. “Rogue One”, which will serve as the first standalone and non-episodic film set in the galaxy far, far away, further expands the fictional space fantasy universe created in 1977 by George Lucas. The Star Wars universe has proven to be the most successful fictional universe created since L. Ron Hubbard created scientology back in the 1950’s. Except after seven feature films, two television shows, hundreds of books and comics, and millions of toys and other merchandise sold, the Star Wars universe has proven to have some utility to it. Bringing quantifiable joy and meaning into the lives of millions worldwide, but as seen in this case, considerably lighter pockets.
Paul Smith, a 43 year-old blogger whose sole income is running a Star Wars fan site, was excited, pumped up, and….
….to be honest, very emotional. Best seen here:
Once the Rogue One: A Star Wars Story teaser trailer finished, Smith was seen driving to his bank to speak to his financial advisor Chuck Davis about opening up a direct line to Disney’s bank vaults, excluding the vaults that keep their decades and decades of extensive animated features inside. Mr. Davis advocated against this move.
“I thought it was crazy, I mean we just now got back Paul on his feat financially, and now he goes and does this”, explained Davis, who last year spent 54,385.95 on anime and cosplay conventions. “At the very least, he could line item a good amount of this money toward Force For Change, the charitable partnership with UNICEF that Disney and Lucasfilm has helped raise over 10 million for from Star Wars fans.”
“I hear what Chuck is saying on this, and normally, when there was a catch to say, have a chance be a stormtrooper in the film if you donate, I would be all-in. But after seeing that trailer, I just don’t know if I can fit it in my budget… between the theatrical viewings, the DVD, Blu-Ray, and digital copy, not mention 3 copies of every piece of merchandize and toy, one for display, one to keep in the box, and one for my stop-motion animated Star Wars film I’m working on uploading to YouTube”, explained Smith.
“Then there’s also Felicity Jones, who I’m thinking is far less open to the fans since she’s been in the public eye longer”, added Smith, who has spent an extensive amount of time the past two years courting actress Daisy Ridley, the breakout star of The Force Awakens, who is half the age of Smith and is very active with her fanbase on Instagram. “I had ample opportunity to pursue Carrie Fisher my entire childhood up until the early 90’s, when I briefly had a girlfriend and thought I had moved on from Star Wars, and Daisy is active on the socials so that is a low cost option, but with Felicity it could be difficult. I’m budgeting at least 10,000 dollars on an aggressive letter writing campaign and travel to various conventions where she will be signing autographs.”
And if you think Smith is the only one, think again. U.S. and international banks confirmed that 4,056 individuals had started similar direct lines to Disney bank vaults between the hours of 9:00AM and noon today. Financial experts predict it could reach as high as 20,000 new direct line accounts by tomorrow, which should be a real win for Disney and its shareholders.
Bread and circuses folks, bread and circuses.
The author of this piece cannot be reached until 1PM tomorrow, after his direct line and transfer of funds to Disney bank accounts is approved by the bank.