by Troy M. Olson
The fallout from the Democratic debate last night, hysteria over Bernie Sanders’ surprise victory in Michigan, polls that show 1 in 3 supporters of his candidacy won’t vote for Hillary in the General Election, and subsequent press leaks that the future President is critical of the current President’s foreign policy doctrine of “not doing stupid shit”, has led to plenty of fact-free analysis on the Socials today. Even worse, the Boomer plot to slaughter Millennials in the 2018 (give or take) war with Iran has been uncovered.
For many Boomers, to be a serious person, unlike the young and naive Millennials, you have to support at least 65 percent of wars, and at least 50 percent of bloody, costly, avoidable wars.
“The world is a dangerous place, it is important that we check the very large Millennial generation, who are now larger than us, by sending them into battle for the third time.” Explained a local Boomer, after finishing his 46 minute Robert’s Rules of Order-heavy special district meeting. “This fight will also give us a down-payment on cutting into the numbers of Generation Z”, he added.
Throughout America, young Millennial officers and enlisted, and very young Generation Z E-1’s, E-2’s, and E-3’s, will not know what hit them. If they thought they were in the clear from perpetual war and deployments, think again. Nothing is over. Rhetoric that inspired former Vice President, serial Presidential loser, and radical centrist John Hoynes to action during his Delta fraternity days at Faber College (motto: “Knowledge Is Good”).
Hoynes voted for the Iraq War, which combined with Afghanistan, killed over 5,000 American Millennials and maimed 50,000 more. He is enthusiastic about the potential to surpass those heights with the Iran War while spouting faux-patriotic nonsense from the sidelines. “It’s not like I’m sending my own children to war, that would be ridiculous. It’s called generational leverage: other people’s kids. Duh. However, I’m being responsible about this. I’ve already instructed my two children, John Jr. and Jane, on the proper way to put a yellow ribbon sticker on their car. We’re in this together and these colors do not run. Hoynes 2020!”
“They just don’t know foreign policy like us Baby Boomers do”, critiqued David, a Boomer who never faced the draft during Vietnam because it ended when he was 17, after finishing a conversation with Tom, a 28 year old Millennial who just got done with his 2nd tour in the Middle East. “I mean, I would have gone if my country called back in 1975, but Vietnam was just ending.”
“A war with Iran really is a meeting of two mutual self interests between our two countries”, lectured a local armchair activist who frequents the comment section.
The generational ruling class of the United States, Boomers and the Gen X-ers who worship the fictional version of President Reagan, and Iran’s ruling class, religious zealots and fundamentalists, who fear the growing youth movement going on in their country that helped propel 30 moderate, reformist candidates to victory last month in the Iranian legislative elections.
“I have fond memories of my parent’s generation, especially the version of them that fought World War II, both the effort abroad and at home. I love what they did, and am often glued to the Military Channel documentaries”, romanticized a local Boomer enjoying his post 5-o’clock beer.
What it is not as romanticized is the post-War story that built-up the American middle class and the mostly broadly shared time of prosperity in American history for thirty years, via policies and programs like the G.I. Bill, interstate highway system, expansion of social insurance, affordable college education via Grants, and Civil and Voting rights legislation that carefully navigated cultural waters going back hundreds of years, which Boomers later single-handedly took credit for because a few of their older siblings were at marches in the early-60’s.
“You know it wouldn’t have to be this way if this lazy, entitled generation would just start more families and give us more grandchildren”, complained your parents, who are now five days away from becoming Donald Trump supporters.
“Those Millennials. They are clearly failing this country, so we are left with no choice but to ensure they hold up their end of the bargain by implementing our deeply unpopular, fact-free, forever wars and adventures into countries I cannot locate on a map”, said, the Baby Boomer Generation.