By Carson Starkey, Chief Speechwriter for Senator Marco Rubio
I am here tonight to announce that I am suspending my presidential campaign effective immediately. Pause for widespread, slowly cascading applause. After many hours of consultation with Chamber of Commerce lobbyists, American Enterprise Institute board members, Heritage Foundation scholars, Fox News producers, The Honorable Rush Limbaugh, assorted campaign staffers, and family members, I have come to the conclusion that my long-term political career can no longer sustain further damage that stems from exchanging mediocre insults with a man who sells ties at Macy’s. Gaze intently at attractive audience member. In order to ensure that Americans enjoy the benefits of living without social insurance and a protracted, bloody, expensive war with Iran, I am urging every principled conservative to unite behind future President Donald Trump. Dramatic pause, project moderate self-importance. Please disregard every previous public statement that I have made prior to this moment that portrayed Mr. Trump in a negative light. Execute facial expression to convey seriousness. Which I know will not be a matter of controversy, and that brings me to my next expression of gratitude. Hand gesture followed by emotional connection. I want to thank my fellow citizens for not having any interest in cursory fact checking, or even using Google. Continue transmission. This broad phenomenon is responsible for my relatively easy political career, really the careers of most Republican elected officials if we’re being truthful, up to this moment, and it will be the most obvious reason for Mr. Trump’s eventual victory in the general election. Convey somber body language.
I want to assure everybody that, even though I am leaving the campaign trail temporarily, I am doing well, financially and psychologically. Allow three to five seconds for audience laughter. I have secured employment with eight think tanks, three cable news networks, five law firms, and nine investment banks. Bask in self-evident brilliance. Despite the fact that I am totally lacking in marketable skills, and have zero interest in any work that does not involve me reading prearranged cue cards, I am confident that I will be able to amass an enormous personal fortune in the near future while performing “work” of negligible socioeconomic utility. Raise arm to chest level, implement finger point at family member.
I want to thank everyone affiliated with my campaign, especially my super PAC donors-my apology for squandering vast sums of your money on such a monstrously pointless endeavor-and the people who invested so many hundreds of hours trying to reprogram my debate responses, which, much like my hair products, will only improve with time. Pause again for audience laughter, expression of satisfaction. I look forward to returning to Florida, and defeating many more hopelessly incompetent Democrats in statewide elections. Hearty chuckle, engage light-hearted scan of audience front row. Thank you all for coming. Brief pause to heighten anticipation. I’ll be back in 2020 to claim my rightful place in the White House. Rouse audience to moderate excitement. May God bless you, and may God continue to bless America. All systems engage charm, firm wave of right hand, end transmission.