Peyton Manning’s Full Statement to the Press Announcing His Retirement

By Carson Starkey

“Today, I want to announce that I’m retiring, and moving on to the next phase of my life, in which I’ll spout incoherent, meaningless nonsense that has little to no relevance in most situations. I have learned so much from my pappy, my hound dawg, and my squirrel hunting scatter gun. I’m excited about new product endorsement opportunities. I’d like to promise that most of my sexual assaulting days are behind me, but nobody can predict the future. I want to to tip my hat to my immensely talented rival, Tom Brady. Although I have never been able to locate Michigan, California, or Massachusetts on a map, I do know that today I leave the game of football as one of several distant runners up to Tom. I’ll chuckle for many years to come, knowing that the entire combined Manning family has as many Super Bowl rings as the greatest quarterback of all-time. I want to take this opportunity to express my love for Budweiser, Papa John’s Pizza, George W. Bush, and certain portions of America that share my ugly, socially backwards views. Thank you.”
Peyton Manning’s full statement to the press upon retirement.

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