You have Twelve Days until Your Parents Become Trump Supporters

by Allan Branstiter

Yep, your yoga-loving parents are about to become vocal Trump apologists.

 

If you’re like me, your parents are conservative-to-moderate Republicans. Over the past 10 years or so, they may have mellowed out a bit from their heady days of door-knocking for Barry Goldwater, voting for the nominally anti-war Richard Nixon, and restoring American greatness during the Reagan Revolution. Sure, they voted for George W. Bush over John McCain in 2000, but they did so because the former was prayerful and compassionate, while the latter was a RINO. They may have even voted for Obama in 2008 because of lingering distrust of McCain and a newfound discomfort with Sarah Palin. These days they’re sending a few news articles about how ridiculous Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are in a strained attempt to create rare moments of inter-generational political concord within your family.

Friends, I hate to tell you this, but that moment is gone. Your parents—those sweet compassionate, thoughtful, moderate, and reasonable people who’ve only recently expanded their horizons by experimenting with yoga, tai chi, single-source coffee, and hybrid cars—are twelve days from becoming full-blown Trump supporters. The day after the March 15th primaries, Donald Trump will secure enough delegates to become the Republican nominee. And rather than fight him, your parents will do everything they can to see him elected to the presidency.

I know, I know. “Not my parents,” you’re probably telling yourself. “My parents are so reasonable! They watch Morning Joe on MSNBC!” I assure you that I am as shocked as you are, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your parents from becoming Donald Trump supporters (at worst) or apologists (at best). It’s high time that you embrace this fact. But always remember, it’s not your fault. It’s their decision to make. It’s always been their decision.

Not convinced? Consider the fact that Hillary Clinton will more than likely become the Democratic presidential nominee. Also consider the fact that there is no one this side of Louis Farrakhan and Jane Fonda your parents hate more (yes, your tools-of-the-patriarchy parents dislike Hillary more than Bill). They’ve spent decades perfecting their hatred of Hillary Clinton; it has become part of who your parents think they are. These are the people who believed she had something to do with Vince Foster’s alleged murder. They are also the people who popularized Blue-Dog Democrats like Chris Matthews who disdained the Clintons. Believe it or not your parents still go to the Drudge Report for their news in the quiet hours of the night, and they still believe that Bill Clinton was the massive leftist Rush Limbaugh told them he was.

Consider also the fact that opposition to Trump within the Republican party is collapsing very quickly—so quickly, in fact, that the man who single-handedly saved the Salt Lake City Olympics, Domino’s, and Staples cannot come up with a coherent strategy to stop Trump’s ascendancy. Consider the fact that, in the words of Jonathan Chait, GOP opposition to Trump is “full of righteous rage, but confused about how to proceed and unwilling to follow its own analysis through to its conclusion.”

Chait also points out that your parents aren’t the only “reasonable” Republicans on the verge of embracing Trump. Supply-siders like Larry Kudlow and Stephen Moore are moving towards Trump. Moore went as far as to call Trump the answer to the GOP’s demographic conundrum, saying “For me, Trump potentially represents a big expansion of the Republican Party, a way to bring in those blue-collar Reagan Democrats . . . That’s necessary if the party is going to win again.” And check out Uncle Larry:

And your parents beloved Heritage Foundation (the radicals who gave us important aspects of the now much-loathed Obamacare plan) and Fox News are now abandoning hope that anyone can stop Trump. Our parents are next, folks.

If their hatred for Hillary Clinton and the retreat of the establishment wing of the GOP aren’t enough to convince you that your parents will be Trump supporters, there is one issue big enough to turn their flower-child faces towards the radiant glow of Trumpism: the Supreme Court. Even if President Obama successfully nominates a new justice, this issue will dictate everything your parents do between now and November. No one is more sensitive to dog-whistles than our parents, and there is no whistle louder and clearer than the Supreme Court kulturkampf. If Obama selects a new justice, your parents will deem it an attack on the American way of life and vote for Trump. If Obama does not select a new justice, the threat of a liberal majority in the Supreme Court with the Clintons back in power will compel them to vote for Trump.

So get used to it. Your parents are going to become Trump voters. You’ve got a dozen days to enjoy with them before they embrace The Donald whole hog. So enjoy them while you can. Take them to a sufficiently ethnic restaurant or something, because after March 15th you won’t be able to do so without hearing an entirely bigoted apology for Trump’s immigration and national security policy.

 

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